The list is long: emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, avoidance or detachment from other people, shame, approval-seeking, trust issues, dissociation, somatization, addictive behaviors. These are only a few of the problems loved ones develop, as a result of being in long-term relationships with family members with traits of personality disorder. Many counselors take a hard-line approach to the healing of their client's Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severing contact. I don't because, as one of my clients says to me, "what about the other half of it."
Parents are supposed to fall short in one way or another when it comes to their parenting, as Donald Winnicott describes with his notion of "the good enough parent." The inevitable ways that parents hurt us don't erase the love and support that they are able to muster up, even if that looks like strengths we develop in response to their negative traits. Distress tolerance is the most important skill a person can learn: family members approaching their differences as learning opportunities as opposed to a threat. With this in mind, I help clients learn how to stay connected to family members with traits of personality disorder, balancing between overexposure and rigidly blocking them out. This is not an approach for the faint of heart. It's admittedly a perpetual effort. But then what is the alternative. While cut-offs may be easier and more immediately gratifying, they are not a healthy way of long-term anxiety management.
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